29/03/2012: The Three Musketeers [2011]

All for money and nothing for anything else. That is unfortunately how I feel after watching this action movie with the name of the Three Musketeers on it. I am unfortunately unable to think of any redeeming qualities this movie may have possessed and what follows will just be a rant of what I hated about it. You've been warned.





I think it must be clear by now that I will watch pretty much anything, and still have almost always nice things to say about some aspect of the movie. The Three Musketeer was somehow unable to meet any of my standards. Now as a Hollywood production, a good re-make, not even as a so bad it's good kind of movie. Somewhere Alexandre Dumas is rolling in his grave at the desecration of his classic story. So if you are watching The Three Musketeers for the classic story, please go watch the old ones again.

Now where did T3M's go wrong? First they just gave up on their source material, stripping the characters of any depth or dignity and making a mockery of everyone of them.  The musketeers are washed up, out of work drunkards, and not in the good way. Milady de Winter, played by Mila Jovovich is a joke, as is King Louis. I appreciate some humour added to the characters, but none of it was done well or tastefully. Unfortunately it has been years since I read The Three Musketeers, so I'm unsure of whether or not the plot has any similarities, but I do not remember any air-ships.

Even Christoph Waltz couldn't save this movie.

Another thing the movie tries to be, is simply an action packed visual feast. The wardrobe is ridiculous, although possibly a little accurate. There is explosions, and cannons and swordfights every couple of minutes, and of course all this had to be done in 3D. I will say this, I wasn't sure if this movie had come out in 3D when I was watching it. As such I watched for the telltale signs of numerous objects flying towards the screen. I was disappointed to see very little, and would have said this wasn't in 3D.

I think this is the first review I have done of a 3D movie, and so let me just say I hate it. There are some movies that might use it well, the rest however just use it to charge me the extra $3-$4 at the theatre. It was great as a gimick which surfaced every once in decade or so only to fade away. However, now it has been nearly what 6 years, and the gimmick is not going away, only getting worse. So there is my stance on this whole 3D thing.

So is this Altaïr or Ezio?

I really don't want to continue to review this piece of garbage of a movie. I mean what teenage boy leaves home, only to challenge 4 people to a duel to the death within a day of leaving? Anyhow simply save yourself all the trouble and don't watch this movie. It is just that bad.

Link:
The Three Musketeers IMDB